Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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