I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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