those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Small penises have feelings too.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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