I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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