your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
