The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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