i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
