oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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