i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
