apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
