I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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