i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
