The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
