My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
