omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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