While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
