All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
