Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
