I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
