Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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