We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
