It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
