So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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