I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.