Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
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he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity