Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude