if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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