i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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