I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ttyl tear gas
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
