Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
