He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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