Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
