Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
