I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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