wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
