The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
