But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
