Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
