it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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