you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
