woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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