When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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