oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
