i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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