I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he puts the penis in happiness.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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