Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
