is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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