i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
