Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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