I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
