my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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