Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
