im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
