just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
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in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
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I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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