Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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