Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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