dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
